It has been a few months since I last blogged on here, and there’s a pretty obvious reason for that; I started watching porn again. I’m not going to be blogging about progress if there is none. I can’t even blog about the fact I’m watching porn because I was hiding this relapse from my girlfriend.
One of the things I’ve learned is how ridiculously easy it is to slip back into old ways. No matter how long it has been, when that old urge shows itself, it is as hard to resist as it was on day one.
It started as maybe looking at porn once a week. Only on weekends. Then maybe I had a day working from home and then it started to be during the week. Then more regularly. At what point do I tell my girlfriend? Even I was surprised by how quickly I let myself slip back into the old routines of near-daily porn use, in the space of only a few weeks.
Weirdly, the difference this time was that I was actually feeling less guilty about it than previously. Somehow I had managed to completely ignore all the previous discussions and thoughts my girlfriend and I have had about it, and just carried on without a care in the world.
Well two days ago my girlfriend asked me, for the first time in a long while, when the last time I watched porn was. While I can not mention it to her, I can’t lie to her, so I admitted I’d slipped back. She was quietly supportive but clearly hurt, and said as much. The fact that porn use is actively damaging my relationship is the single biggest fact that I manage to completely ignore, or even deny, when tempted by or using porn. I have a lit of more tangible reasons why quitting is beneficial, but I think I need to add these more long-term emotional reasons too.
Anyway, obviously the chat means I have quit again. I’m not going to be foolish enough to think that just by doing so I’m going to succeed. I’m fairly worried about my chances of success to be honest, but am constantly trying to remind myself of these reasons and think about my girlfriend. She is without a doubt the most important person to me (other than my family!) and it is unthinkable that I could allow porn to ruin what we have.
To compliment willpower, I’m also now thinking of what other daily tools I could use, like restricting the physical ability of my devices to watch porn. I may install porn-blocking software on my Mac and let my girlfriend set the password (or shut my eyes and type in gobbledygook). But then there’s my iPad and iPhone. Will need to think. I’ll probably write a different post on this topic (“How to block porn on all your connected devices”)