The porn fix vs the sex fix

One side-effect of porn that is widely discussed is that it can interfere with your enjoyment of real sex. Generally speaking, this, fortunately, has not been a problem for me. My sex drive has always been really high and so I always enjoy sex with my girlfriend, and porn rarely enters my mind during it.

However, the last 24 hours have given me cause for concern that this may be changing.

Yesterday, day 9 of the latest porn-free stint, I returned home from work and looked at porn. I didn’t go any further; I just looked. It was like I was trying to get my fix while pretending I was avoiding the repercussions. After 5 minutes I’d close the browser and go back to whatever I was doing, only to open another private browsing tab a few minutes later. This lasted about an hour, and as you can imagine I was a bit worked up by the end of it.

My girlfriend returned home and I didn’t tell her. I did, however, make it quite clear I was in the mood that evening and as events transpired, I ‘got lucky’. However, despite achieving what should have been the cure to my woes that evening, I was still not satisfied. I still wanted to look at porn. Which I did, and this time I gave in, and the urge was gone.

Obviously this is just an utter mess of irresponsibility, manipulation of my girlfriend, and setbacks regarding the journey of quitting. It was almost promising that I was able to restrain myself from physical action when initially looking at porn, but the rest of the events of the evening proved that was irrelevant.

Today I admitted all this to her as I can’t keep it a secret. And now she’s gone to bed without me and I’m here blogging about it on my laptop, feeling utterly ashamed, embarrassed, angry and a cocktail of plenty other emotions.

So, to get back to the title of this post “the porn fix vs the sex fix”, what was most interesting was how sex did not satisfy my urge to look at porn. I think that previously, while I was looking at porn regularly, I never noticed this because the urge was always under the radar. However, having gone 9 days without porn, that urge was stronger and I think that highlighted how relieving it seems to satisfy a different part of me/my brain than sex.

This is of course quite worrying, but arms me with some more knowledge I can hopefully use to control this addiction.

As the days without porn have continued, I’ve felt stronger urges to look at it. This made me realise that by simply not watching porn, all I’m doing is using willpower to restrain myself, but I’m not actually addressing the core issue. I need to be training myself not to want to look at porn. Do I do this just by not looking at it for a sufficiently long period of time, or do I do it via other means? Reading & education as an example. A commenter of this blog godtisx suggested reading stories from ex-porn stars speak out against the industry, to encourage me to break the fantasy, and I’ll certainly consider this.

I’m really worried about the damage I may be causing our relationship. I don’t know how much my girlfriend can put up with and I don’t really know what effect this is having on her deep down. I just know that I’m not improving as fast as I need to be, and need to start thinking of more pro-active measures.

The fact that things have been great between us for 7 years while this was a secret, and are difficult now I’m being honest, is the cruelest of ironies.

Advertisements

Share your thoughts...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s