It is time for another blog post.
March has been a really tough month. Becoming a dad has changed everything, and unfortunately those changes haven’t all been supportive of an addict’s recovery.
After 66 days of sobriety since 1st January 2015, I have relapsed 3 times during March. After my first relapse, I assessed the reasons, and these are mainly still true – not enough sleep and not finding the time to continue with the tools of recovery I had spent January and February putting together.
Unfortunately, while I was able to logically see why I slipped up and what to do about it, actually putting those steps into practice has been harder than I thought.
I’ve found that the constant tiredness from fatherhood has not only sapped my ability to focus on the steps required for recovery, but it has allowed significant negativity and depression creep in – I’ve regularly felt completely demotivated and depressed. I’m acutely aware of some of the aspects of my life that have resulted from my porn use, such as the fact I essentially have no close friends anymore, and the a feeling of loneliness has strongly arisen in me.
To feel more acutely lonely is on one hand strange considering I have such a new purpose now in my daughter, but also understandable if you think that most of my home life is now occupied with caring for both my daughter and wife, with very little time left for ‘me’. I desperately want someone else who I can call just to say hi to who knows me (I believe these are called friends!), and the fact there is no-one I can call is really getting me down.
The problem is, that isn’t going to change any time soon. I can’t magically create overnight the sort of connections with people that take years to make, so I need to focus on living my life the way it needs to be lived.
So I’m slowly trying to focus on and commit to doing the steps I need to do. Reading my pillars every day, meditating every day, writing my journal every day, and most importantly, waking up in the morning and remembering that I am better than this addiction, that it is behind me and that I am going to accept myself, embrace the day and the live the life I deserve to.
In addition, I’ve also suggested to my wife that we abstain from sexual activity at least for one month. I have noticed that my acting out over the last month has been heavily related to sexual excitement and anxiety relating to when I think we may next have sex or other sexual activity, which is sporadically unpredictable due to the fact we have a baby! Eliminating the possibility will hopefully allow me to avoid sexual distraction and focus on the tools of recovery.