Cannabis and porn addiction

These days, the only addiction I struggle with is porn, but for a long time, I was a big time weed smoker. That is not to be understated; I was at least as addicted to smoking weed as I was to watching porn, but there are a few differences in how I used these two drugs, and how I was able to quit one of them.

My porn use started at school, so it had a head-start of about 4 years before I discovered weed. I left my oppressive public school to the freedom of a gap year (I moved to a Surrey town for a year to do a 1 year musician course), and almost immediately fell in with a group of weed-smoking locals who to this day I still consider some of the most welcoming and friendly people I have ever met, who taught me so much.

For that year, I became a heavy, daily weed smoker. I even got arrested once for smoking with some friends in a local park. While porn remained an activity I conducted in secret, weed was a social drug for me. I had no paranoia and was extremely sociable, making loads of friends and generally having a blast. This was my first year of independent adulthood since 10 years in the public school boarding system, and I was loving it – learning who I am, and how I am with other non-schoolboys (“real” people!).

The porn continued but didn’t have a destructive influence on me (that I could tell). I remained social and didn’t isolate myself the way I did with porn in later years.

After that year was up, I went to University (that I had already been accepted to before my gap year), and that’s when things changed. Despite making some friends who shared my constant weed smoking passion, my weed use quickly became increasingly solitary, combined with staying up all night watching porn. Smoking and watching porn became my primary hobby, all other things secondary.

I look back at University and do have fond memories. Hell, I even met my now-wife there! But due to my solitary behaviour, I never made the friendship bonds that would endure the years after University. I see the groups of friends all staying in touch and sharing more experiences with each other, but I have drifted away.

It interests me, therefore, to recognise the different roles weed has played in my life. Within a year or two, it went from being a social grease to a solitary enabler. It is like it amplified how I felt about my life. In my gap year, it made me socially relaxed and open minded, but at University, it allowed me to withdraw and fall deeper into my porn addiction. I wonder if perhaps my feelings of distance at University were due to it being something prescribed for me, and an interruption to what I now look back on as the best year of my life. I long for the days of that first year of independence, and then I was back in the education system, resenting and rebelling from it.

A few years after University, my girlfriend (not knowing about the porn at that time) gave me an ultimatum – weed or her. I chose her, and overnight quit weed. This was pretty easy actually, because weed is hard to obtain – it requires making calls to dodgy dealers and meeting them at unsuitable times, and it costs money. Also, I still had the porn. I hadn’t considered that I was addicted to porn at that time, but no doubt quitting the weed would have further increased my reliance on porn.

It is hard to separate the two addictions, to see which was more influential on me, but there are two key differences I am aware of:

  1. Weed is far easier to quit than porn, as it wasn’t immediately available to me without some effort;
  2. Weed can be a force for good if used in the right mental state. It enhanced my life for a period of time. Similarly, it can be destructive if allowed to enhance negative feelings of isolation. Porn, on the other hand, is a purely solitary activity, that will never enhance sociability. There are no long-term benefits to watching porn.

So now I’m left with just the porn addiction. One down, one to go I suppose! This one is proving far more resilient than my weed addiction that’s for sure, but I’m confident I’m taking the right steps to eventually overcome it.

Thanks for reading.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Cannabis and porn addiction

  1. I’m with you. I was addicted to video games. And that addiction was MUCH easier to overcome than pornography. And video games (like weed) did have some positive attributes to it. But you’re correct, I can’t come up with anything that porn has done positively for me.

    1. I think some things can be addictive to some and not others. I can definitely become absorbed in gaming and use it negatively (i.e. escaping responsibilities), but I don’t find I’m addicted to it. That doesn’t meant to say it doesn’t play a part in my addiction and recovery though, as it is important to understand all areas of my life where I might be avoiding something or doing something excessively, which often gaming can fall into. Its all about obtaining balance. I could never use porn in a balanced way as that is my pure addiction, so that has to be eradicated. And, as you say, there really is little to no benefit in watching porn, regardless of addiction.

  2. Just as a matter of interest, how old are you if you don’t mind me asking? I am 21 now in university struggling with what you were during that period.

    1. Hi James, if it helps, I am 34. Sorry to hear you’re having a tough time, University is a tough environment to try to exercise moderation and self-control so I know how hard it can be. I’m sure if you put your mind to it, and prioritise your own health and happiness, you’ll find your way through.

Share your thoughts...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s