It’s been over 2 months since I last posted, and its time to check in.
In the last few months, I broke my ankle, moved house, changed job, my wife changed her job, our daughter started nursery, and we had decorators in for two months. Its been pretty manic to say the least.
I previously blogged that the broken ankle, and the resulting 2 months stuck on a sofa, was starting to affect my sobriety, which had started to improve. I am sad to report that it just got worse and worse, with last month being the worst month ever, sobriety-wise, since I started recovery almost 2 years ago.
What happened was that I basically started giving myself permission to act out. I had spent almost an entire year beforehand developing a routine that would keep me sober, and being sofa-bound prevented me from doing any of those things. My routine was out of the window, and I didn’t find the energy to keep fighting. So I basically gave up, and for at least one month allowed myself to act out freely. I found that it became more stressful to constantly try and resist, and deal with the inevitable constant failure, than to simply ‘postpone’ recovery efforts until I was better and in a position to be able to actually do something about it. Rightly or wrongly, it was a form of justification.
I haven’t passed judgement on myself for the above approach. It was a really difficult situation to be in as an addict, and I don’t blame myself for giving in or not finding the fight within me.
However, I’m now getting better. I am walking again without a crutch (albeit in pain), the decorators have left, my job is settling down and I’ve even gone part-time to look after my daughter two days a week. Life is finally settling down and it is becoming pretty great. We’re in a new town we love, I’ve got family around and even starting to make contact with some old friends. I’m getting to spend quality time with my daughter, and I have a job where I am respected and valued. In other words, I’m all out of excuses to not put my efforts back into recovery and get sober again.
So I have started recovery efforts again, but being honest I’m at about 40% effort. I need to get back to 100%. It is time to get serious about this again. I know I can do it as I’ve done it before.
The thing is, it has never been more obvious that I don’t need porn. I’m a subscriber to the belief that addictions are fuelled by more than the tangible addictive properties of a drug, but also due to deeper pain and lack of addressing subconscious issues or a lack of happiness/fulfilment, and I’m really at a point in my life where things are really great and there are very few reasons for me to still need porn. In fact, I’ve found that a lot of my acting out in the past month hasn’t been due to urges/stress etc, but due to habit, where I’ve just felt I might as well.
This makes me optimistic. I feel such elation on a regular basis. Be it staring out of the train at the rolling hills of the countryside (whereas it used to be a crowded London tube) or walking around the town with my daughter in the pram, free to enjoy our day as we see fit, I’m so regularly aware of how lucky and fortunate I am to have finally achieved a quality of life that I’ve been seeking for years. It brings a tear to my eye.
So what can I do to really push through now and connect these two polar opposite perspectives of my brain? On one side, I have found so much natural and genuine joy in my life, while on the other my brain is stuck in a cycle of habitual porn-watching, even when it doesn’t enjoy or need it. I need to break the cycle and allow my actions to connect with, and represent, my feelings.
Some of the tangible steps I will take/have already started taking include:
- Leaving phone downstairs at bedtime (only Kindle allowed in bedroom). Have re-instated this.
- Writing journal daily (not doing this fully yet)
- Engaging with recovery WhatsApp group (need to pluck up courage to do this)
- Visit new therapist (I have contact details, now I am mobile I need to book this in, if I can still afford to)
- Blogging more regularly
- Reading addiction-related books
- Possibly visiting a local SAA meeting
- Possibly re-locking down my mobile phone (could be tricky due to work)
- Finding an accountability partner
One significant thing I think I am lacking is another person who I can be accountable to. I’ve had sponsors and other people in my life in the past, but do not have anyone currently, and I think this is an important ingredient, so I will think more on how to achieve this.
I hope all of you are doing great in your journeys, be they recovery-related or otherwise. I’d love to hear from you in the comments, so let me know how you are doing!