Hello world, it’s me again. My last post was three months ago, yikes. That means things have been bad.
The unquestionable sign of when my recovery is going well or bad is when I am communicating about it with others, either online or in person. When I’m focussed on recovery, I’m talking to my wife, my friends, on twitter and writing and reading blog posts. That’s because I’m connected to recovery and it is a part of my daily mindset.
When I’m not doing so well, I don’t want to talk about it. I hide the fact I’m acting out. I don’t share about recovery with my wife, or anyone, and I don’t read or write blog posts.
So here I am trying to get back on track. 3 months ago my second daughter was born, and just like with my first daughter, the dramatic impact to my days and nights wrecked havoc on recovery. It is sad to think back that the births of my children have been associated with increased porn use, but thankfully that’s not actually a memory or feeling I have, just a logical admission when I think about it.
And in fact that’s another sign of when my acting out is escalating – when it goes from being something that doesn’t really impact my daily life, to when things start to become affected. I.e. getting less sleep, spending less time with my wife, being less sexually interested etc.
And just like last time, it is about 3 months since the birth and I’ve reached the acknowledgement that the fun is over. It is time to get back into recovery. So I told my wife and she was proud and supportive. She knew I was acting out, but neither of us challenged it because with a 2 year old and a 3 month old we have enough on, and, like I said, my acting out wasn’t really getting in the way too much. But personally I am feeling it is getting the better of me now, and it is time to take back control.
So, I’m going to go back to SAA. I’m going to restart my journal, and my morning reading, and hopefully meditation. I’ve also deleted the last social media app I had on my phone – Instagram – because the search page was ridiculous – just full of women objectifying themselves for likes. Not what I needed.
For the record, I am not intending to use blocks. They have consistently proven themselves to not aid my recovery in any way.
And I’m going to try and write here more as well. I enjoyed being on WordPress and reading about others’ experiences. I hope people get something out of reading about mine too.
I haven’t gone a week without porn since November. Today I am on day 4. I am a total amateur, despite being trying to quit porn for about 4 years now. Crazy how time flies. I wouldn’t say I’ve made no progress though. Progress can be measured in different ways, and days sober is just one of them. My self-awareness, compassion and knowledge have definitely increased over this time, and I’m quite a different person to who I used to be I think, which is good. I’ve learned to define my values, and act upon them, which is also new to me, and rewarding.
So, things are ok. Its just time to put the effort in now and stop coasting.